Boot cut denim pants with faded brown streaks. Caramel leather boots. Brown turtleneck sweater as thick as your grandmother's old quilt. Olive Oil Relaxed, Dark n Lovely box colored hair--flips and a swoop. Beauty supply makeup powder with a slight pink tint on her brown skin.
She wasn't the dopest chick you'd ever seen, at least she didn't think so. She was smack in the middle of that awkward stage where you will more than likely get a pimple on picture day; where the cool guys thought she was cute enough to speak to, but knew she was a "good girl" so it was was best to leave well enough alone. Friend zoned, just waiting on the day that she would be bold enough to embrace her role in the age old contesting of men and women.
She wasn't a lame, ya know? She had friends. The yearbook was decorated with her face in many places. Outgoing, for sure. But...she wasn't the Homecoming Court type. She wasn't the debutante type. She was the girl who was jussssst in there, but not at the top of the game. Shoot, with all the bona fide bangers from Usher's hit album, Confessions, in 2004; she had not one compelling love story of which she could compare.
The top is what she hungered for, even if she had no real idea of where the top was or what she would sacrifice in her search to find it. The only way to find out was to start where she was...and to get a proper idea of where she was, she had to jump into the game. She wanted the drama. She wanted the smoke. She wanted the love. She wanted the heartbreak. She wanted to FEEL. She wanted to EXPERIENCE. She wanted to be SOMEBODY, and she knew she couldn't do that while hibernating inside a shell. So she vowed to break TF out. That's what created the fire in her eyes. That is what made her push the gas and vow to make every mistake she could, without regret, for the sake of having a story to tell.
She was obsessed with the future version of herself. She knew by God's grace she'd become a successful woman, but she didn't want to arrive at her destiny with a bland narrative.
So with every ounce of courage she had and with an equal amount of tenacity, she went for it. Bit by bit and moment by moment, she manufactured a life filled with experiences that shaped a woman who now boasts a life lived her way. It has come with some failure, and a boatload of embarrassment; but not a second of regret.
I want to introduce you to a girl who is near to my heart. When I took my relationship with God deeper in 2017, I tucked her away. I believed fully that she would hinder what God desires to do through me, so I buried her alive. Every time I have laid my hands on someone to pray, she has been right there cheering me on. Every time I have spoken a word of prophesy to someone, she has been right there smiling at me. Every time I have chosen love after heartbreak, she has been there applauding me. Every time I have written a blog post, published a book, or spoken about my faith; she's been like yessssss that's my bih! I tried my hardest to pretend she never existed because acknowledging her would mean re-entering a life of doing the whole most...at least that's what I thought.
It was months ago when God whispered in my ear and challenged me to see the necessity in having this girl cohabitate in a world within me. He encouraged me to understand that I'm not B.Reel if I struggle to be real about EVERY part of me.
Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn. Matthew 13:30
I am purposely forgetting the bull, remembering the lessons, and owning my stories to forever serve those who need to know that unconditional love isn't reserved for those who have done things perfectly.
So, both nervously and readily... I introduce you to who I now affectionately call, Brown Sweater Brittney.