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Checkpoints of Pain

New City.

New State.

New Church.

New Restaurants.

New Stores.

Same Plaguing Thoughts.

What will happen next? What will destroy my faith next? Who will take my kindness as weakness next? Who will overlook me next? Who will disappoint me next? Who will pretend they are family just to abandon me next? I want to enjoy what God is doing, but I know what the devil has done before.

Plagued by my past.

Haunted by inadequacy.

I just want to breathe this time. I want to inhale. I want to exhale. I want to smile without fear. I want to laugh without caution. I want to be comfortable that even in a room full of knives; none will land in my back. I don't want to water myself down to help people digest who I am. I just want to be.

So I exchanged the old for the new, only to realize that that's not nearly enough. The terror of the night that still remains has come from me; from believing more in the checkpoints of pain than in the healer. I stepped into the new with baggage of the old. I was afraid to strip down to my vulnerability..afraid that one more mishandling of my heart would leave me cold.

But last night, love warmed me. It wasn't just another sweet nothing. It was declarations of protection and sure promises that hugged me with a gentle force. I learned that being on the verge is good, but getting to the other side is the goal, and I can only get there by navigating through the uncomfortable moments and believing in my sure promise.

I won't stop until I see it. I have bypassed the checkpoints of pain.

Joy is my portion.

I'm on the verge.

(Originally written on 10/7/17) -B.Reel

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