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Still On the Verge


I had a talk with one of my best friend's the other day and she's making a life changing leap of faith. I am beyond excited for her. We've prayed together, laughed together, and no doubt cried together. The best thing about our eleven year friendship has been watching us transition (slowly) from all the way ratchet trusting in nothing but our college level life experience into women who trust completely in God. For all our friendship she has boasted about the strength that I have and how it inspires. I must admit that I love the acknowledgement, but it was the other day when she scared the wits out of me.

On the verge of a huge life change for herself, she credits me as being an inspiration of her faith. Should have been a great moment for me as a Christian, right? Except...I just didn't feel worthy.

I don't feel worthy of being someone else's inspiration while knee deep in my own pile of horror. I wondered how I could know what I see yet exude a strength that I didn't even know I had. Then I realized that it has nothing to do with me. It isn't that I have such a perfect poker face, but more the fact that God's peace has taken a vow to carry me until I'm strong enough to walk; and even then I'll rely on its hand to balance me. I never question the 'if' but I often question the 'when'. If I could only not question the when, then my trust in my creator would become as perfect as an autumn stroll in the park warmed with hot cocoa and laughter with the ones you love.

Today, it seemed as though time had abandoned all of my requests, but faith says wait because unknown problems are colliding with necessary solutions as I wait. Tired of wallowing, I close my eyes and imagine myself ten years into the future laughing at the things that made me cry today.

I thought of my best friend today still very proud of her decision to honor herself and I thanked God that my faith is increasing the faith of others around me. I realized that it's not always about receiving recognition for doing something that will be noted in history books, but sometimes you're the most worthy of recognition just for still being here. Maybe the fact that I'm still here has placed my faith on a billboard for all to see.

Because I'm still here, I'm still on the verge.


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