Brown Sweater Brittney: VIRGINITY
December 2005.
It was Winter Break from high school, just a few days after Christmas and a few days before the New Year. BSB and her best friend Zaya had been toying with the conversation of their virginity. BSB had no real intention of losing her virginity. She more so just listened to Zaya consider when the right time would present itself for her and the guy she had been feeling for a little over two years. When her advice was solicited, all she could say to Zaya was,
"If you're ready, then go ahead and see what's up."
It never dawned on BSB that the Godly goal was to save yourself for marriage. Although the daughter of a Pastor, she had never intended on saving herself until marriage. Who really did that? Was she really supposed to hold herself until her wedding night and risk the chance of this man not being worth her wait? There were so many things to consider. Sizing. Seduction. Satisfaction. Although the goal was that she not be experienced if she took this route, how in hell would things work if he shared the same innocence? The idea just seemed bizarre to her. So when Zaya seemed ready, she offered encouragement like a best friend should. Just don't get caught. Period. Her dad wasn't a Pastor like BSB's, but her mama definitely didn't play.
Although she encouraged Zaya, she didn't seriously consider having sex one way or the other because her boyfriend Khy knew she was a virgin and thought it was the most adorable thing; which was slightly annoying but it didn't matter. As long as they had their nightly talks while Midnight Love serenaded them in the background, she was good. For some reason though, he had conveniently ghosted her during the entire winter break.
Winter break in high school time was an eternity. BSB had called and texted Khy to no avail. There wasn't any social media at that time to see his activity, but she knew he was alive and well and felt bold enough to ignore her. Her emotions ranged from disappointment to shame to fear to insecurity to rage with each passing day. How would she face him after the break when she saw him between sixth and seventh period at their normal meeting spot? The more rage she felt, the more she knew she had to do something that would assert power over this monumental defeat. She didn't know what she would do, but it had to make him feel as small as she had felt during this boyfriendless Winter Break.
Randomly, one of her homeboys, Cliff, came where she was bearing gifts. He was home from college and since they texted literally every single day, he pulled up to say hi and give BSB some belated Christmas Cheer. She had never considered that he may like her. The gift seemed pretty innocent. It was a festively decorated bag filled with accessories from Body Central.
“Mur Chrihmuh,” he said.
He stayed a while and they watched The Phantom of the Opera. BSB enjoyed every moment of his pure ignorance to the musical and kept him up to speed on the plot. The movie ended and within a blink, BSB had lost her virginity.
Just like that, she had crushed Khy. Whatever he was doing that was so important to ignore her for the duration of Winter Break, she had found the perfect way to humble him. Not only did she have sex with someone else, it was with Cliff who was in college and an alumni of our high school! Just a little insult to the injury.
As soon as she landed the highly sought after time with her soon to be broken boyfriend, she crafted a highly emotional confession of teenage infidelity. He cried and talked about how he once thought she was different and not like the other girls. She reveled in his pain because she agreed. She was NOTHING like the other girls. The other girls would have cried and cried over him, but BSB...she handled it. As if her life had become an episode of Deal or No Deal, she challenged herself to win back his affection. The stakes were high, but she knew she could do it. If she could win him back after THIS....tuh!
Turning up her stereo, she allowed Monica to croon the lyrics to "Before You Walk Out of My Life." By the end of the call, he was apologizing for ghosting her during Winter Break. It was in that moment that the innocence drained from her body. BSB was gaining momentum.
Based on a true story. False names have been used to protect the identity of people who haven't done nothing to have their business aired out... lol
REFLECTION:
Considering BSB's tragic victory, I made a HUGE connection sixteen years later. I have never dealt well with being ignored. In any relationship, I have behaved immaturely as a result of feeling ignored or abandoned. Whether it was the untimely loss of my virginity or pulling up with a fist full of threats, there has always been some sort of knee jerk reaction to feeling ignored. When I recognized this truth literally DAYS ago, I repented and asked God to fill me with more of him so that no one's absence will cause me to belittle myself again. Although I tried to bury BSB, I'm glad she is back to teach me valuable lessons even now.
EARN YOUR SWEATER by OWNING YOUR TRUTH: (Grab a notebook, start a discussion with your friends, comment below, or email me at itmt@brittneyreel.com
Was losing your virginity a good or bad experience?
Do you regret losing your virginity before marriage?
If you had the opportunity, what would you tell yourself before losing your virginity?
What behaviors [OF YOURS] have you noticed to be an unproductive pattern in your relationships?
Allow God to meet you right in your thoughts. He forgives you. He sees you. He loves you. He's not afraid of the ugliest truths you may have. Pause. Inhale. Exhale. He's in every breath. Allow his presence to fill you.
“He will guard and guide me, never letting me stumble or fall. God is my keeper; he will never forget nor ignore me.”
Psalms 121:3 TPT