Christmas 2017.
I am not a detective.
I am not a detective.
I am not a detective.
I am not a detective.
She continued this confession until it sounded more like Angela Bassett reciting Buddha chants on "What's Love Got To Do With It". She even took an ink pen and pulled out her infamous prayer journal, writing and re-writing the sentence; in hopes that it would bring her into the proper submission of her heart's desire to not emotionally cut herself this holiday season.
The one thing BSB had longed for was love for Christmas Day. Not Jesus' love. Not family love. But a "dis my man" kinda love. She wanted to stand underneath a mistletoe and be the object of someone's desire, well his desire; specifically. And it simply was no chance of that happening. That idea had concluded months ago. The distance between her and this man were far beyond geographical stretches. Emotionally, they were on two different planets. Yet, she wanted him for Christmas. His smile. His jokes. His hugs. Him. The matching pajamas. The hot chocolate. The knee bow with a little box and a question. She craved it like an All Star Breakfast from Waffle House after a long night of clubbing. He belonged to someone else and BSB knew that. She even respected and understood it outwardly. She would never interfere with it. She actually loved him that much to back off. Letting go internally, however, was a different story.
The hope of a Merry Christmas could have easily been attained. Truly being present with the ones who loved her unconditionally could have remedied everything, but she could not let go of the nagging beckoning from social media to see him actively sharing a life that she wanted so badly with someone else. Every time she reminded herself that she was not a detective, she felt a literal pain in her heart that quietly begged her for the crushing she secretly craved more than actually having a Merry Christmas.
BSB. She had lied to herself. She had lied to her followers. She had lied to everyone. It wasn't an intentional lie, but it was a lie that she told with only her face. She was happy. She was the life of the party. She was single and loving it; all she wanted for Christmas was the love of Jesus and to be with family. But that mess wasn't true. She wanted to hurt. She wanted to cut her soul. She wanted to look at what she once thought was a promise from God and see the plague that it had become. She wanted to cry. She wanted to see the proof that she, in fact, was not loved, chosen, beautiful, or enough. She wanted to validate the claim of the enemy who spoke unkindly to her in the night hours when it was just her and her thoughts inside a dark room. She wanted to give an answer to the age old question, "What do the lonely do at Christmas?"
So she obliged herself. She searched and she found. While she pretended to be single and happy for another Christmas, he was living a new life underneath the mistletoe with the one he loved.
At least that's how it looked.
REFLECTION
BSB. BSB. BSB. Now this story isn't that far in the past. Emotional cutting is real. It's as real as actual cutting. It's self harm. We don't realize the damage that we cause by stalking the social media pages of people who are either our exes or the ones of which things are just complicated. The damage isn't necessarily in looking, well it is if you find something that you don't want to see. Beyond that though, the thoughts that come up as you're putting his or her name into that search bar...What if? Why would that? How could this? If I see this then?
It is all energy that could be best served in another place. I am not saying this because it sounds good. I am saying this from a place of having finally fought and won the war against holiday anxiety. Listen, a hurt that you search for is a hurt that you gave yourself. Bad and hurtful news WILL find you. Don't help the enemy by using the better part of your day searching for it.
The enemy could care less about your hurt. He could care less about the relief you feel if there's nothing to see. He has won with the anxiety that you felt the moment you pressed 'search' and waited for the page to load.
This year, let's not. And then...just remember to believe NONE of what you hear and only half of what you see. Everything isn't always as clear as what you see on the other side of your search.
And that's not our business either.
EARN YOUR SWEATER by OWNING YOUR TRUTH: (Grab a notebook, start a discussion with your friends, comment below, or email me at itmt@brittneyreel.com
Have you ever faked a "happy to be single" or a "happy to be married" smile? Did the fake it til you make it approach work? Are you currently being honest about the "happy" that you show others?
When is the last time you put yourself through unnecessary pain because you could not win the battle within? What is your current internal battle? How are you keeping yourself in control (if you are)?
Have you ever been hurt by what you saw only to find out later that it wasn't what you THOUGHT you saw?
What is one thing you're planning to do this year for the holiday to get and/or KEEP your happiness?
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7
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