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I Used to Love HIm

The clock was showing me near midnight when I left my prayer closet. This night was a little different because as I prayed, I received so much revelation about the future of my heart. The joy of it all was that I know the future isn't so far away. Laying down in the bed for the night with a fresh perspective, sleep was actually a bit hard to find because I was so excited.

Then there was an Instagram notification.

Knowing that I hadn't recently made a post, I wasn't really quick to check the notification. Eventually I did though...only to see a request from him.

I used to love him.

His message said that he misses me.

Without the usual sense of gratification of knowing how he had to break his pride to send the message, I just closed the app and went to sleep.

You see, I remember when I waited for a message like that from him. I even remember as I was finally getting over him, I would revel in reminding him of the mistake he made by not choosing me. I remember still wanting to prove to him that I was best thing that he would never get to have. I remember creating goals that I only wanted to reach so that he and his "choice" would always hear my name and cringe at how I had overcome the pain that accompanied the love I once had for him.

You see, I am well aware that this direct message was sent in secret. This direct message couldn't be revealed to the choice that he made. And that's when God made me understand that although his choice hurt me years ago, it was because there was a better choice for me all along.

Some days I'm sure I've met that better choice. Some days I doubt that the better choice even exists for me. What I do know is this: the choice I made to ignore that message let me know that I'm ready for all God showed me that very night in my prayer room.

I used to love him.

(Originally written 10/2017)

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