One day in 2010 around 11:47pm.
"Can you talk?"
"Not right now. I been texting you all day and you didn't respond. I'm home now in the bed with her.”
"Yeah I figured you were. That's why I'm just responding. If you can only talk during certain hours, I'm not the type of girl you should be trying to entertain. Number 2 isn't for me. Don't hit me up again until you're single.”
BSB had made a habit of rejecting married men in a more unconventional way than by just ignoring their advances. She always responded by saying, "You're married though, right?" which would most often be followed with a few separate answers.
Yeah but that don't mean we can't be friends.
Yeah but we're separated.
Yeah but we haven't been happy in a long time.
And in each of these cases, BSB would follow through with retrieving their number with the full intent of ignoring their messages during day hours and respond during non-sidepiece hours. After texting the last man who made an attempt to reduce her dream of being someone's wife to a gloried secret lover, she was relieved not to hear from him again.
BSB had already by this point learned enough about men to know that most men have no desire to bust up their home and family for the likes of some girl he really didn't know. Not to mention she was already equipped enough in the game to know not to trust someone you cheated with not to cheat on you. She never judged other people's stories, but she knew what her personal probability was of actually taking someone seriously who had been obtained in such a way. Different strokes for different folks, but buying a life lesson was more than impactful enough for her to sit her ass down somewhere.
Later in 2010 around 11:20am
"Hey. I just texted to let you know that I'm not married anymore. We finally broke it off."
"I'm sorry? Congrats? Not sure what to reply, but welcome back to my text thread lol..."
BSB and Roland shared a laugh and they didn't miss a day of texting for the next two years. BSB was sure to keep things cute and take things slowly because she couldn't believe it, but she was seriously enjoying their relationship unfold. When he asked her to be his girlfriend, she thought it would be best for him to breathe a little. There wasn't a chance in hell BSB was about to be the rebound girl. So they kept it cute. Friends...until of course, they explored the benefits.
After losing her virginity in high school for practically no cause whatsoever, she was trying to be more careful of who she offered herself to in that way. Roland had done more than enough to prove his genuine care for her, and that was all she needed, cause...yeah! She was trying to be down anyway! The time had finally come. It wasn't planned with him, but she had already pre-planned a yes to any advance that he was sure to offer; and like clock work, it went down.
Much more memorable than losing her virginity. Much more sensual. The desire was THERE. Music was there. Candles. Allat. The whole scene. RIGHT. With each passionate second that passed, her guards came down even more than she ever intended. He had been begging for the chance to be her man, and with this sex being bomb like this on top of their natural connection, BSB was finally in the game baby!
After two weeks in this new state of love, they were hanging out per usual when she felt a youthful excitement from nowhere and stood in her bed like a fake ass Tom Cruise on Oprah. They laughed from deep within. This was the sweetest sin. All in life was well with her until he started humming the "We Can't be Friends" by Trey Songz. She tried to ignore it and the vibe she got. Maybe she needed to research the lyrics before making an assumption. And out of nowhere he confirmed the vibe that she felt in the pang of her stomach.
"I just want us to be friends." He said snapping her into reality.
His words hung in silence for what seemed like forever. Embarrassment filled her mind and body as she realized that she was standing her grown behind in the bed excited about love and possibilities that simply did not exist. It was over, just that quick.
"Okay." She replied.
And there she vowed not to try changing his mind or anyone's mind in the future. For nearly two years, she loved him silently and painfully while continuing to share her body, ideas, thoughts, and solid friendship with him.
Based on a true story. False names have been used to protect the identity of people who haven't done nothing to have their business aired out... lol
"Roland" is doing well with his wife and children, and it took a while to get here... but I pray for them from afar and wish them all the best.
REFLECTION
"Okay." That was the answer. I don't think begging was in order, but whew! Taking a moment to dive into his feelings never happened. Taking a moment to dive into my own feelings never happened. I did make a lot of assumptions about the abrupt pause in us becoming anything deeper. Pride and Ego gives me a pat on the back for saying "okay". The woman that I am now, however, sees where BSB could have at least said what she needed to say rather than keeping it all inside. The woman that I am now values the beauty in vulnerability, and I have learned that not everyone appreciates it or is able to handle it. Vulnerability is for me, not them. Over the years as I have agonized over ALL of my failed or aborted love stories, I have found a common denominator of me avoiding embarrassment by not expressing myself. Just out here sweeping my own heart under the rug. In doing that, grief over past heartbreak has come rushing into current day relationships like the Holyghost on Annual Choir Day! So NOW...I am expressing myself without fear because if something doesn't work out, it won't be because I kept my mouth closed.
EARN YOUR SWEATER by OWNING YOUR TRUTH: (Grab a notebook, start a discussion with your friends, comment below, or email me at itmt@brittneyreel.com
What relationship ending hurt you the most but allowed you to take valuable lessons into the REST and BEST of your life?
Have you made peace with your "Roland"? (Don't reach out to that man lol especially if he married...I mean have you made peace with the situation?)
Have you ever experienced someone pursuing you so hard then when they got you, they didn't do nothing with you? That's the mess ain't it...lol
What behaviors [OF YOURS] have contributed to #3 if you answered yes.
The Lord is our protector and glorious king, blessing us with kindness and honor. He does not refuse any good thing to those who do what is right. Psalms 84:11
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